300

I went and saw the new movie everyone’s talking about. 300. It’s an epic story about that Spartan Battle at Thermopylae. You walk in expecting what has the potential to be the greatest hand to hand combat movie of all time. For you history retards, The Battle of Thermopylae is the story of how 300 Spartans held off the invading Persian Army while the rest of the Greek City States rallied an army. The 300 Spartans and 1,000 or so other Greeks managed to hold off a Persian Army numbering over 100,000.

The battle at Thermopylae and and the Battle of Marathon are why we Western Civilization has survived.

It’s also kick ass graphic novel from the people who did Sin City. There is no way this movie won’t kick some serious ass. Swords, outnumbered odds, all of modern civilization saved from oppression.

Instead, we get what might be the gayest stealth manly movie since Top Gun. Yep. It’s that gay. The scene between Xerxes and Leonidas you are pretty sure is going to result in some serious gay sex. The only thing keeping the negotiation/massage scene from turning into a roadside massage parlor with Xerxes whispering sweet nothings in his ear, is dream catchers on the wall and a happy ending.

Throw in a hooved animal smoking some junk with lesbo strippers grinding on a handicapped social outcast, and you have the ancient equivalent of a lifer in a Las Vegas strip joint.

Lets not forget Xerxes. He’s a 7 ft tall shaved pierced man who should be working the corners as a tranny hooker instead of the leader of the largest known empire of the ancient world at the time. He seems almost surprised that you cannot conquer the Greeks with Techno music and fancy silk patterned clothing.

The director periodically throws some boobs on the screen to keep all the men in the theater, who outnumber the women 10-1 from freaking out at the obvious homo-erotic references.

If you are expecting an awesome testosterone fueled kickass movie, you’re gonna be disappointed.