Everything Swank

MTV’s further efforts to prove that everything they touch turns to shit were on display this week ast MTVs “reality” show “The Hills” had it’s season premiere.  Normally I wouldn’t have a single occasion to watch this kind of new porn, but the gym I workout had it on nearly every channel as all the fatass women had it tuned in so they can watch the drama.

I get the appeal.  Its just another version of “Sex in the City” dumbed down so that even the biggest idiot can follow along.

All of the girls are at least moderately cute, but none of them live a life that’s even remotely based on the average person’s reality.  But women seem to love fantasy more than reality.  Only “Audrina” is a real looker, and she’s really fucking hot as you can see on What Would Tyler Durden Do.

She’s basically the fat pathetic girl in high school you were friends with, (used and dumped by guys, completely clueless but loyal) only she happens to be stuck in the body of someone completely hot. If she weren’t such a pushover, women would hate her ass.  Her extremely hot ass.

The women are all supposed to be up-n-comers in various sexy entertainment companies.  Watch one episode and you realize why all of our movies and music and fashion companies are shit.  Not one single girl on the show is capable of doing their job with the least bit of skill, intelligence, or professionalism.  They are constantly late, forget important decisions, and lack even the most basic problem solving skills.

The message of the show is clear.  Talent means nothing.   Looking cute and having a dirt-bag boyfriend are all that matters.  Work is merely a chance for you to show others outside of your immediate circle how fucking needy and desperate for validation your no talent ass is.

Today Eliot Spitzer, Governor of New York got nailed in a prostitution ring.

Spitzer was a former prosecutor turned Governor. A man who pledged to bring down corruption and crime. He’s most famous for his critical look at Wall Street companies and any of their shady dealings.

Apparently a man of his status cannot figure out how to get a secretary to give him some “extras,” because he was a regular paying up to $4k for a couple hours of high priced whore action. To top it off, he’s a critical partner of Hillary Clinton. At last report, he isn’t quitting his job. He calls this a “personal issue.”

Personal is when you get caught cheating with the local Denny’s waitress and you work as a trash collector. This is a man who represented one of the most important legal offices in the country, and he is getting blowjobs at the Mayflower hotel from “Kristen” a 5′5 petite brunette.

A man paying for sex isn’t shocking. A politician in the public eye paying for sex isn’t shocking. A Governor paying for sex before, during, and after his election to the USA’s second most powerful state isn’t shocking. What’s shocking is this dumbass thinks that there is a blowjob worth $4k. For that reason alone, he clearly has no concept of fiscal responsibility.

How about the wife. Do we really have to watch her stand next to this guy? How fucking phony is that? Unless she was there and chipped in for a threesome, the most famous photo she will ever take shouldn’t be about her husband banging a model/high-priced-whore.

In an effort to produce another epic movie, Legendary Pictures with Warner Bros., decided to produce an epic from very ancient times featuring a Mammoth Hunter to free his people and find true love.

Instead of using the opportunity to write a unique story given the flexibility the  historical timeline of the movie provides, you’ll get two hours of B-Movie acting, writing, directing, and special effects done on a large movie budget.  The lines are as campy and predictable as a day time soap opera, and  the plot is a mash-up of movies like  Conan: The Barbarian, Willow,  and The Beastmaster.  All of which are better in every way to this stank fest.

Trust me when I say this movie has absolutely nothing original.  All of the monsters you’ve seen before and you’ve seen done far better in other movies.  None of the effects are worthy of even being called effects.  Discovery Channel does a better job with “Great White Shark vs Crocodile.”

Often though, a movie like this doesn’t have to be particularly original or have great acting

and dialogue if the action is awesome.  Unfortunately, the fight sequences have all the intensity of a middle school production of High School Musical.

This movie sucks. Big time.  Warner Bros. is lucky to have some other big movies coming down the pipeline, because this is no suprise hit.