Everything Swank

In addition to trading stocks, finding the best articles, and bitching about politics and business, I do enjoy the occasional gossip straight out of Hollywood. Yahoo just released their top gossip blogs list here.

1. Perez Hilton
2. Media Take Out
3. The Superficial
4. Concreteloop.com
5. Pink is the New Blog
6. D-Listed
7. WWTDD
8. Hollywood Tuna
9. Popsugar.com
10. Just Jared

11. Hollywoodrag.com
12. Egotastic
13. I Don’t Like You in That Way
14. Go Fug Yourself
15. Bossip
16. A Socialite’s Life
17. Drunken Stepfather
18. Cake and Ice Cream
19. Young Black and Fabulous
20. Mollygood.com

Easily the best in the bunch is What Would Tyler Durdern Do? I never knew how many celebrities I hated until I stumbled upon WWTDD. It’s not the most complete gossip site on the web, but it’s easily the most mean spirited. That makes it tops in my book. He never runs out of ways to call someone a dirty whore, and that takes talent considering todays Hollywood.

I guess if you decide you want to rant obnoxious shit, just declare yourself a booze-hound, and check yourself into rehab.  Micheal Richards, Mel Gibson have hid their fucktard comments behind substance abuse, and now it’s Isiah Washington who is a no name actor on a television show whose largest demographic are girls waiting to experience puberty.

At least Michael Richars and Mel Gibson were actually shit hammered for their public slurrings.  Isiah Washington decided to declare, in a stunning moment of smug brilliance,  that he never called his co-”star” a “faggot” on a hollywood award show.  Is he the only person who doesn’t know that the only people who watch award shows are B-list stars, fat girls hoping to catch a glimpse of Orlando Bloom, and gay men checking out the fashions and……Orlando Bloom?

Listen up  douche-bag, you are on Grey’s Anatomy.  There isn’t a more gay show on television right now.  You aren’t on 24, Alias, or Monday Night Football.  You’re the type of idiot who shows up to perform at a Cher concert and yell “what er all the queers doing here !?!?!?”  Dumbass.

This is the list of the 25 top male celebrities associated with the word “gay” added to their names from Yahoo search.

1. Mario Lopez
2. Vin Diesel
3. Jeff Garcia
4. Jared Leto
5. Pete Wentz
6. Michael Strahan
7. Wentworth Miller
8. Ricky Martin
9. Patrick Dempsey
10. Jake Gyllenhaal

11. Daniel Craig
12. Keanu Reeves
13. Gerard Butler
14. Colin Farrell
15. Randy Orton
16. Ian McKellen
17. Gerard Way
18. Eddie Murphy
19. Jeremy Piven
20. Chris Evans

Man. You have to wonder about that. Almost none of these men are openly gay (not that there is anything wrong with that), but at some point does a million web page queries asking if you are gay make it so? Who knows. I’d love to see the top 20 actors associated with the search term “bangs sheep.”

Here’s the link. What’s more funny is that there isn’t more interest in actors who are actually gay. At least half of these guys have been in a movie or play a sport where they spent a disproportionate time in tights, so that’s pretty much guaranteed some people will think you hang out in bars called “The Blue Tool Box”, but a lot of these just seem like wishful thinking on the part of gay men. There also doesn’t appear to be any room to be fat and gay either. I don’t see any fatties on this list.

I cannot wait for the eventual follow up to this list. Hopefully the next one will be “Member of the Supreme Court and NFL Quarterbacks.”

I don’t get it. You get picked to sing the national anthem. You are either a big star, or an up and comer and you are likely to sing for the largest single audience of your life.

You step up to the microphone. You’ve done all the work all day to make sure your voice is in tip top shape. The stadium sound and television sound have coordinated the sound to make sure it sounds good for everyone. The P.A. guy gives you a huge introduction ….. and then you proceed to FUCK Francis Scott Key in the ass. Texas style.

Sure you can remember the words to a Spice Girls song, but your stupid ass cannot spend five minutes learning the words to the Star Spangled Banner. There has been every single kind of mangling you can imagine on the Banner. I cannot even compile a list of complete fuck ups in a single post. Today’s was the Colts Patriots playoff game to see who goes to the super bowl. Fucks up the lyrics. It’s “through the perilous night” NOT “to the perilous night” ya fuckin smacktard. “to the perilous night?” what the fuck does that even mean.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Most of the lyrics in popular music don’t make any fucking sense anyways. The best performance in recent history was performed by Whitney Houston in Super Bowl 25, and she’s a crack head now. I’ve seen 8 yr old girls at the state fair perform the song better than half our big time music acts.
To all you big time musical acts considering performing at a big time sports event. Francis Scott Key doesn’t like to be fucked in the ass. Knock it off. In fairness, Britney has not fucked up the Star Spangled Banner. Yet.

If you spent a couple hours wasting your life watching the People’s Choice awards, you quickly realized that indeed the masses have their heads up their collective asses. I don’t watch shit like that, but after the awards were given out, television is getting bombarded with advertisements bragging they won a peoples choice award. That’s pretty much the equivalent to winning the cutest pig at the Arkansas State Fair. And you happen to be female.

Looking at the list of winners and its no wonder Hollywood is content shoveling shit in our direction. “Click” wins best comedy? Are you kidding me? Seriously folks, beat the shit out of your kids for going online and voting for this crap. Sandler was a has been when he was crappy comedy relief on MTV’s “Remote Control.” His bits haven’t changed a bit and a fat 40 yr. old doing the same jokes is gonna be some sad ass shit.

Grey’s Anatomy for best television series? I guess that was to be expected. I thought Grey’s Anatomy was pretty shitty the first go around when it was called Ally McBeal. Instead of an anorexic self absorbed lawyer banging dudes in the copier room, we have an anorexic self absorbed doctor blowing guys in the nursing supplies closet. That and throw in some sad bastard hipster guitar music instead of that god awful Vonda Shepherd.

Eva Longoria won for “Favorite Female TV Star” Star. Ha. That’s the funniest part of the award. She should have gotten an award as “actess on a crappy show men only watch to have something to put in their fantasy file for later in an othewise droll television drama.”
The music categories weren’t much better. Knickelback won. In case you don’t know who Knickeback is, they sound like every other band that sounds like Knickelback. Much like all flushing toilets sound the same in a public restroom. And speaking of hanging out in public bathrooms, Kenny Chesney won for favorite Male Singer.

After rewarding “artists” for this half assed work, you can bet we are in for another year of absolute shit devoid of talent. I predict next year in stunning fashion, My Super Sweet 16 will win every award in every category. Thus providing the catalyst for the planet to cave in on itself in one massive dense pile of shit.

Alright. I call bullshit on this one. Britney had been in the limelight since she was sixteen years old and not one shit of her Beav was ever taken. She files for divorce from K-Shiat-bag and hangs around Paris Hilton.

Their first public outing resulted in a close but no cigar upskirt where it was clear she has forgotten to buy panties. Your average girl would have been on the watch and been a little more careful not to have a wardrobe malfunction. Not our girl. She’s flashing the Vag and ass all over town.

I liked the old Britney. Old young Britney. The one who got our attention after a brief hiatus with a hard kick ass body and public appearances with shitty lip synced performances.
Dammnit girl. We barely got a chance to emjoy your return and all we see is your baby maker all over the place. Tease us. Give us a little mystery for fucks sake. Is this the new way to start your comeback? Are high school girls gonna replace their “have a nice summer….stay sweet… …” yearbook entries with pictures of their piecred clits? Either way, if she continues to hang around Paris and Lindsay she’ll trip on a whole lot of dicks.

Here’s the link to her yearly exam.

“All Music, All the Time” Used to be the tag line of what was at the time the most influential television station to ever grace cable television.

It was a simple formula. Just play music videos 24 hours a day, and occasionally show a shaky camera on someone with overdone hair who told you a little info on the song and artist. The bullshit title of V-J was an attempt to lend credibility, but it wasn’t necessary at the time. As a station called Music Television, the only credible thing you had to do was play music on your television station. The on air “talent” consisted of mostly people without the voice for radio or the face for television, but it didn’t matter since you only saw them for about 30 secs before the next video started.

The formula for the video’s were genius in their simplicity. Kickass songs and hot chicks. How can that not work? Baywatch became the most watched show on the planet with only half that formula.

You ould look forward to coming home and rocking out to badass music that encouraged you to do drugs, hate your parents, and smoke behind school. But MTV’s music has been replaced with steaming piles of ‘turd shows that are too numerous to name. And have all the subtly and cleverness of that same steaming turd being delivered on your chest.

If our daily lives were actually like the “Real World” reflected, we’d all live in better apartments with clever but shitty furnishings by IKEA . We’d be constantly stumbling stupid drunk into the easiest pussy ever, and work would consist of easy hours, easy pay, and not one single accomplishment. But we’d bitch endlessly about ourselves and how tough our lives had become.

Oh. And at the end, we’d all bawl and and proclaim about how much we learned and appreaciated each other. That is until the reunion show. What a sad sack a shit you must be to participate in that live audience. That’s for another time.

MTV is preaching style without substance and wrapping it in shit stained tiolet paper only a 14 yr. old could appreciated.

There isn’t a social movement that MTV hasn’t tried to somehow co-opt and take credit for starting. When MTV got on board Puff Daddy/Diddy’s shat-tastic “Vote or Die” campaign, I nearly shit my pants.

Only a network who have a resident “journalist” Kurt Loder or that self righteous prick Giedon Yago could believe for a second that the same retarded audience that watch shows like “Room Raiders” could comprehend much less give a fuck about politics.

It’s like boozing during a pregnancy and expecting your shit spawn low IQ ass kid to do higher fuctions in math.

I long for the day when you could sit on the couch and watch a video like “Rock The Cradle of Love” and

crank one off in peace without some assbag teenager talking about themselves on the screen verbally fellating the artist while the video plays in the backround.

Leave it to MTV to ruin music videos, reality television (previoulsy called “documentaries), rock, and hot chicks.

Fuckers.

Easily one of the most obnoxious “celebrities” ever to disgrace television, Paris Hilton always conjures up in my mind a single question: “Why?”

This is not the “why” that comes in front of “does’nt someone give her a good ‘five to the eyes?’” or “does my stomach hurt like I have just been kicked in the nuts everytime her emaciated clown-mask of a face fills my television tube?” No. My “why” comes in front of “is this bitch famous at all?”

Probably best known for portraying herself with Nicole Richie in “The Simple Life” (where millions of mindless morons watch these two scrawny twats patronize other mindless morons in thier own homes and towns) she has also appeared in the “Blockbuster” The Cat in The Hat (with “Blockbuster” being defined as a movie that had the right combination of utter retardation, bad acting, and totally fucking up on a childhood classic to attract every better off aborted bastard with thier non-attentive parents in tow so as to gross over $100 million) as well as such “other” films as Wonderland, Raising Helen, Pauly Shore is Dead, House of Wax, National Lampoon’s Pledge This!, and Bottom’s Up (with other being defined as so abhorrently awful that even the mindless morons who watch “The Simple Life” did not go and see them).

These are just the “Official” credits. Unofficially there was the pirated video of her putting down her damned dog (who may, in fact, actually be Nicole Richie) and cell phone long enough to get her cavernous cunt railroaded by number 23 of the exactly 35 poeple who actually saw Pauly Shore is Dead.

The preceding paragraphs, like the first warning farts of an impending shit-storm as you sit down on the toilet that is our television culture, are not all. She has a book out which is still currently on the New York Times “Best Seller” list (proving that mindless morons not only watch television but also read after thier fashion– “Ooooh look at the pretty pictures!!”) but is also working on an album. An Album? I would rather listen to another 4000 redundant “you might be a redneck” jokes from that meatwhistle Jeff Foxworthy.

To sum up, “Why is Paris Hilton famous?” She is a smarmy, diarrhetic, asshole belching forth sticky wads of shit all over television, film, print, and now music. Without a single claim to legitimate fame and having actually worked for and earned nothing, we still let her roam the red carpets of all the major award shows where the greats of the past like Marilyn Monroe or Elizabeth Taylor– who once showed the world how graceful women with real poise comported themselves– must roll over in thier graves ass-up everytime this titless wonder humiliates herself on live un-editable television.

Charlie Sheen, best known for his roles on “Spin City” and “Ferris Buellers Day Off” and “Two and a Half Men” and being a general hollywood fuck-up, has become the latest of a series of hollywood stars to finally realize we cannot imagine another day without their opinions on the great issues of the day.

He has recently come to the conclusion that the tragedy on 9-11 wasn’t the result of the planes with 10,000 gallons of jet fuel, but rather part of a vast conspiracy.

“call me insane, but did it sorta look like those buildings came down in a controlled demolition?”

Yes. You are insane. Completely.

Of course, instead of taking care of his kinds he is off on another mission.

“It is up to us to reveal the truth,” Sheen asserted. “We owe it to everybody’s life who was drastically altered, horrifically that day and forever. We owe it to them to uncover what happened.”

How this shat-bag continues to pull major league ass completely astounds me. Of course, in a recent poll on CNN today, we also learn that the majority of citizens are also completely stupid.

It’s time to start thinning the herd.